I'm not one to beat around the bush so let's just start straight out of the gate with the fact that the last 5 yrs have been the worst of my adult life. Five years ago I lived in a nice 1300 sq ft brick home that Sean and I built 3 yrs previous. My children were 7, 5, and 4. I loved that house... it always felt so comfortable to me. However, as humans tend to do all too often, Sean and I became somewhat discontent with the size of it. Not the whole house, but the living room. Admittedly, it was tiny. We couldn't have family over without some sitting in the kitchen, breakfast area and on the floor as well as a couple of them standing. So, no big deal, right- we would just find another house that was slightly bigger. We started looking around, half-heartedly and a couple of months later Sean found a small (900 sq. ft.) house for sale with 4.5 acres for $52,000! Wow, what a bargain, right? We decided to purchase the little house (which was in bad shape) and rehab it and add on. Sounds simple enough... so we moved in. I will never forget the first night in that house. All I could think is "what have I done?" The next several months and years we spent remodeling. It was done is 3 phases, sort of... We wanted to "save money" so we did a lot of things ourselves which kept the project ongoing and something always had to be done for something else to be able to be done. Misery, pure misery. I am the type that likes to know what's gonna happen. I don't care what the plan is as long as there is one. Before I knew it my life was a constant myriad of contractors flowing in and out from 6:30 in the morning until late evening (and sometimes night). I wrote checks and directed traffic constantly. All of this was done to make a home for our children (and the children I wanted to adopt) and for our grandchildren. It was supposed to be the last place I lived...ever.
In January 2007, I started nursing school. It is something I always wanted to do but never felt the timing was right. Looking back, I still don't think it was but I think I needed to feel like I was controlling some part of my "out of control " life. I was facing many other things besides this house. My father was waiting for a liver and kidney transplant and mom had to work full time+ to make ends meet and pay for insurance. It is almost unbearable to watch someone you love slowly (he had been sick for almost 10 yrs before he got his transplant--that's another story) deteriorate spiritually, physically and mentally. My dad, dying? How fair could that be? I had a hard time not being angry with God... I had a good case of the "that's not fair's" for a long time. I knew God had always been faithful to me but didn't (and still don't) understand why life has to be so painful sometimes.
Also, I was dealing with a situation that one could easily place in the category of obsession. Remember that little comfy house I told you about? Well, it was there that I met someone whom I thought would always be a friend...probably a life long good (if not best) friend. We spent a lot of time together and at first everthing was ok... until one day when I didn't want to hang out and she got irritated...visibly upset. I thought it was a little weird but chalked it up to a bad day for her... little did I know. More clues kept turning up til I realized she couldn't handle me not being with her or not answering her calls. I knew we were in trouble the day the phone kept ringing and I didn't answer... I was in my boys room (which is in front of the house) and the next thing I know I see her driving by slowly and scoping the house. She was seeing if I was home because I didn't answer her calls! OMGoodness... are you kidding me? Anyway... I tried to keep my distance but it was impossible to shake her. That's when I found out we were moving! Praise God, now I have a way out and I wouldn't have to be considered mean or rude... long story longer... she ended up buying the property next door! Sound too much like a predictible (and cheap) psychological thriller? That's why it has to be the truth, too weird to make up... needless to say I spent the first three days after I found out she was moving in crying. Literally, as soon as the children went off to school I would start praying and crying... hoping beyond hope that God would deliver me from this situation. It was no use, she moved in and everything was just as obsessive (if not worse) than before. I tried to talk to a couple of leaders at our church about what to do but the only advice I got was to keep loving her, not to just "ditch" her (it was clear that that was viewed as ungodly) so I kept putting up with it thinking I had an attitude problem. After awhile it wore me down. I began to give in to "it"... it was easier. Suffice it to say (as I feel rehashing the details would be detrimental to my healing process and hers, if she ever reads this) that she tried to absorb and recreate herself as me. Don't understand? I hope you don't and I hope you never will... it is a kind of loneliness and isolation no one should ever have to experience.
Ok, back to nursing school...3 weeks after I started, my husband was informed that he would now have to travel 2 or 3 times a month. This news was devastating to me as I would never have enrolled under these conditions. I wanted to quit, but my children wouldn't understand the reasons, they would just see that I didn't finish something I started. I opted to finish. Now we've got the addition being built at home, 3 kids in private school, a dad waiting for liver & kidney transplant, a husband who has to travel 2 or 3 times a month, an obsessive friend and nursing school... I just kept thinking "how did I get to this place?" The emotional pain was almost physically crippling at times. No one wanted to hear my woes, after all, I lived on 5 acres with a tennis court and swimming pool and am married to the "perfect" man, what could I possibly have to complain about? Many were jealous...they had no idea what was really going on.
During the first week in May my husband went to work and was called down into the office. They asked for his keys and his phone and let him go, simple as that. The next few months were a whirlwind of emotion as I struggled to finish nursing school and Sean updated his resume and started looking for a job for the first time in his life (all the other times, people wanted him to work for their company and offered him positions). We now have moved to a different state and Sean has fallen back on his degree in physical therapy. I live in an older home, make way less money and don't know anybody, but the peace I feel is indescribable... God is working on me to heal wounded emotions and change some mindsets but I am confident that His word is true and He will finish what He started in me...
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