Afraid of the Nothing

I don't know if you remember it or not but when I was a kid there was a movie called "The Neverending Story". I loved it. I am a dreamer and this movie was completely fantasy. In the movie there was a terrible "thing" that was sweeping over the land called "The Nothing". The whole land feared it and it was consuming the land as a rapid moving "storm" of sorts. At the end of the movie we find out that the people had the power to stop the nothing all along. Everyone was literally scared to death of something that really had no power over them. I have recently figured out that that is how most of us live our day to day lives. At least I know I did.

We are all fearful of something; maybe heights or spiders or people... but, truly, what has ever come of us climbing a ladder or having a spider near us or has anyone actually caused us harm because we spoke to them?? For me, it is mostly a people issue. I feel inferior and think that no one will actually care what I have to say. Or...I feel like I am bothering them. That's a big one. What am I afraid of, really? It's the Nothing. Fear of the unknown reaction, maybe?

What will happen if you change jobs? Scary, huh? But why? We fear the Nothing...
What about if your kids change schools? Maybe an adjustment period, sure, but is there really anything to fear? Only the Nothing. What about leaving the country? I've heard many people who say "I am happy with where I am, besides, why would I want to leave the protection of the United States." Protection? Have you watched the news lately? They fear the Nothing. To fear change is to fear the Nothing. To avoid making a phone call because you are intimidated is to fear the Nothing. To make up excuses to cover your backside is to fear the Nothing. The Nothing is everywhere...if you allow it to be.

I have decided that I will no longer fear the Nothing. I will step through that fear and live life the way God intended for me to live it...free from fear...free from the Nothing. I am praying everyday for God to give me the strength to live a life that gives Him glory. I believe that fear is the opposite of faith and without faith it is impossible to please Him, so I don't want fear in my life anymore. I have really already conquered the Nothing because I figured out its secret... it was conquered all along, it has no power over me aside from what I choose to give it.

The Pursuit of Love

God has me on a quest to pursue His love. Not just know about it or recognize it in others but for me to be consumed by it, overtaken completely...dare I say become it? If God is love and He gave all He had to Christ who, in turn, gave all He had to me...isn't it possible for us to be love in flesh? It's a goal worthy of pursuit.

I have recently joined a new church and am so glad we did. These people love people like I have never seen before. I felt like I had been there for years. Also, unfortunately, I realized how love starved I was. I have been soaking it up at every opportunity. Also, instantly I desired to become a person that made others feel as loved as I felt when I walked through those doors... welcome, accepted, loved. Isn't that what we (Christians) are supposed to make people feel like all the time? Wow, how convicting to realize how far off the mark we are. At first I felt defeated facing the enormous task of loving like He loves, "I've tried this before" I thought... but this time is different. I wasn't in an atmosphere of true love the time I tried to study love before. I hadn't seen it in action. I attended a church and they are great people, but there were aires about many of the people there. I can't even put my finger on it, it wasn't that they didn't love, but something was holding everyone back from feeling completely and unconditionally loved. I didn't see it while I was in it because it felt normal. Once there was a comparison, though, I was forced to see it and deal with the issues holding me back from loving the way He loves.

I just want God... I want all He has to offer. I want to know Him as well as is humanly possible. I want to express who He is to others. The Bible says that I do this by loving... it's a tall order for sure, but through Christ I can do all things.

Where I've been

I'm not one to beat around the bush so let's just start straight out of the gate with the fact that the last 5 yrs have been the worst of my adult life. Five years ago I lived in a nice 1300 sq ft brick home that Sean and I built 3 yrs previous. My children were 7, 5, and 4. I loved that house... it always felt so comfortable to me. However, as humans tend to do all too often, Sean and I became somewhat discontent with the size of it. Not the whole house, but the living room. Admittedly, it was tiny. We couldn't have family over without some sitting in the kitchen, breakfast area and on the floor as well as a couple of them standing. So, no big deal, right- we would just find another house that was slightly bigger. We started looking around, half-heartedly and a couple of months later Sean found a small (900 sq. ft.) house for sale with 4.5 acres for $52,000! Wow, what a bargain, right? We decided to purchase the little house (which was in bad shape) and rehab it and add on. Sounds simple enough... so we moved in. I will never forget the first night in that house. All I could think is "what have I done?" The next several months and years we spent remodeling. It was done is 3 phases, sort of... We wanted to "save money" so we did a lot of things ourselves which kept the project ongoing and something always had to be done for something else to be able to be done. Misery, pure misery. I am the type that likes to know what's gonna happen. I don't care what the plan is as long as there is one. Before I knew it my life was a constant myriad of contractors flowing in and out from 6:30 in the morning until late evening (and sometimes night). I wrote checks and directed traffic constantly. All of this was done to make a home for our children (and the children I wanted to adopt) and for our grandchildren. It was supposed to be the last place I lived...ever.
In January 2007, I started nursing school. It is something I always wanted to do but never felt the timing was right. Looking back, I still don't think it was but I think I needed to feel like I was controlling some part of my "out of control " life. I was facing many other things besides this house. My father was waiting for a liver and kidney transplant and mom had to work full time+ to make ends meet and pay for insurance. It is almost unbearable to watch someone you love slowly (he had been sick for almost 10 yrs before he got his transplant--that's another story) deteriorate spiritually, physically and mentally. My dad, dying? How fair could that be? I had a hard time not being angry with God... I had a good case of the "that's not fair's" for a long time. I knew God had always been faithful to me but didn't (and still don't) understand why life has to be so painful sometimes.

Also, I was dealing with a situation that one could easily place in the category of obsession. Remember that little comfy house I told you about? Well, it was there that I met someone whom I thought would always be a friend...probably a life long good (if not best) friend. We spent a lot of time together and at first everthing was ok... until one day when I didn't want to hang out and she got irritated...visibly upset. I thought it was a little weird but chalked it up to a bad day for her... little did I know. More clues kept turning up til I realized she couldn't handle me not being with her or not answering her calls. I knew we were in trouble the day the phone kept ringing and I didn't answer... I was in my boys room (which is in front of the house) and the next thing I know I see her driving by slowly and scoping the house. She was seeing if I was home because I didn't answer her calls! OMGoodness... are you kidding me? Anyway... I tried to keep my distance but it was impossible to shake her. That's when I found out we were moving! Praise God, now I have a way out and I wouldn't have to be considered mean or rude... long story longer... she ended up buying the property next door! Sound too much like a predictible (and cheap) psychological thriller? That's why it has to be the truth, too weird to make up... needless to say I spent the first three days after I found out she was moving in crying. Literally, as soon as the children went off to school I would start praying and crying... hoping beyond hope that God would deliver me from this situation. It was no use, she moved in and everything was just as obsessive (if not worse) than before. I tried to talk to a couple of leaders at our church about what to do but the only advice I got was to keep loving her, not to just "ditch" her (it was clear that that was viewed as ungodly) so I kept putting up with it thinking I had an attitude problem. After awhile it wore me down. I began to give in to "it"... it was easier. Suffice it to say (as I feel rehashing the details would be detrimental to my healing process and hers, if she ever reads this) that she tried to absorb and recreate herself as me. Don't understand? I hope you don't and I hope you never will... it is a kind of loneliness and isolation no one should ever have to experience.

Ok, back to nursing school...3 weeks after I started, my husband was informed that he would now have to travel 2 or 3 times a month. This news was devastating to me as I would never have enrolled under these conditions. I wanted to quit, but my children wouldn't understand the reasons, they would just see that I didn't finish something I started. I opted to finish. Now we've got the addition being built at home, 3 kids in private school, a dad waiting for liver & kidney transplant, a husband who has to travel 2 or 3 times a month, an obsessive friend and nursing school... I just kept thinking "how did I get to this place?" The emotional pain was almost physically crippling at times. No one wanted to hear my woes, after all, I lived on 5 acres with a tennis court and swimming pool and am married to the "perfect" man, what could I possibly have to complain about? Many were jealous...they had no idea what was really going on.

During the first week in May my husband went to work and was called down into the office. They asked for his keys and his phone and let him go, simple as that. The next few months were a whirlwind of emotion as I struggled to finish nursing school and Sean updated his resume and started looking for a job for the first time in his life (all the other times, people wanted him to work for their company and offered him positions). We now have moved to a different state and Sean has fallen back on his degree in physical therapy. I live in an older home, make way less money and don't know anybody, but the peace I feel is indescribable... God is working on me to heal wounded emotions and change some mindsets but I am confident that His word is true and He will finish what He started in me...

Wreckless Abandon

I guess first I should explain the reason for my blog's name "Wreckless Abandon"... the answer is simple, because that's how I want to love the Lord...that's how I want to serve the Lord...that's how I want to love people...that's how I want to worship Him...that's how I want serve people...

I want my life to be a testimony of the abundance of God's grace, mercy and LOVE! Kind of like an experiment in how far we can actually go with God. I know these are lofty goals and I will also be the first to admit I am far from it now, however, God is faithful and I believe that He already made all He has available to me. It is up to me how much I partake of. I want it ALL! I don't want to waste one drop of the blood He shed for me.